i'm sad a bit :(

i don't want to leave everyone. this has been such an awesome summer. it really has. still, be nice to see kel, kinnon, jill, and other mta-ers again.
going biking with andrew mac tonight- going to see point pleasant park, since neither of us have been in since the storm.

so, yea- what do y'all wanna do tomorrow? my suggestions are beach, or coffee & deserts, or ust hanging out if anyone has a place to offer.

movie night was good times.
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter is so incredibly awesome.
Hell, even I'd talk to God if he came to me in an icecream sundae..
So many wicked quotes, I can't remember
It was totally worth 3 hours of sleep.

Besides, it's only 10am, and I'm already done 90% of my work today.
Too bad I can't leave until 1.. and even that's getting away early.
oh well.

oh, so yea- for the bbq today.. just show up anytime after 3 [for the early-birds]. i'm thinking we'll get some food going around 5 or 6. i've got a pizza for us, but it won't feed all of us, so bring along some stuff for the grill. I'm hopin the sun will come out later on.

Just watching you dance makes me smile.
You've worked through so much that I can't even begin to imagine; you are so strong.

I've done all I can do.
I drove home fast- pushing the pedal in frustration.

I wait for tomorrow, to see if the walls still stand.

I am not: usually outwardly emotional.. except on the blog :P
I hurt: when i least expect it
I love: weird moods leading to leisurely strolls at midnight
I hate: most forms of shellfish
I fear: spiders- they wake me up in my dreams
I hope: i'll know it when i find it
I regret: nothing specific- i try not to let myself
I care: about you, even when i've told myself not to
I always: want to go
I long: for summer, all winter long
I listen: to music less than most people
I hide: no i don't.. at least i don't think so. do i?
I dance: all the time
I write: songs intermitently
I miss: Pekoe more than i ever expected
I search: without knowing what to look for
I learn: about myself by learning who others are
I feel: happy and energetic, or heavy and washed-out.. they alternate
I know: that i can do it- i just have to remind myself
I say: a lot sometimes, and almost nothing others.. depends n my mood. guess that's why some people think i'm shy.
I fail: to see
I dream: about going down south
I want: to have a vacation- a real one. with no work and no school.
I worry: about my friends
I wish: i could be a student forever. well.. maybe part time. mta's hard fucking work.
I have: reddish hair, as of this afternoon, that i'm not sure i like.
I give: hugs to anyone who'll take them
I fight: with indecision
I wait: for tomorrow, while longing for today
I need: a bed frame .. and some way to get it to my apartment. i hope it can fit in the car.

wow

such a good movie.
i laughed out loud [but not as loud as andy] and smiled nearly the whole way through.
in the end i was left feeling somehow sad, or lost.
i'm still not sure if it was because it seemed too beautiful to be real, or too real to be in film.

"i've never been so sure about anything in my whole life", he said.

I want to be sure. sometime.
"i'm never 100% certain about anything." i used to say it proudly.
it used to be my mantra, now forgotten.

this has been a strange summer.
i used to feel so sturdy- a strong tower.
lately it's like someone's removed a few bricks from the fountation.

"i never knew how sure you were of yourself,
until the day i saw you come undone."

To send, or not to send..

i'm glad we can still be friends. they're all good people.
but i'm wrought with indecision. i don't know what is better.. the right thing to do- since when do i do the right things?

how can something so amazing have been so wrong?
was it habit, or happiness
fear, or thrill
excitement, or anxiety
love, or instinct.

will it ever be the same
should it?

Count-down begins

i have one week of work left!

Get Ready for it.......

It's Picture Time.

Skinny Dippers at Andrew Mac's.... [post-nudity] 

Jill, Melissa, and I at Martinique beach in NB 

It's Super Andy!! 

awwww... aren't they so happy together?

At the Pride Parade in Rainbow skirts 

SnapDragon

I saw the picture taken
of this situation
I saw a flash and the freeze of motion.

I will remember this day forever
I will remember this day for years to come.

I gotta say I believe
that you're not so naive
Cause I caught a moment in a scene today

And a picture tells a thousand words you won't say

I will remember this day forever
I will remember this day for years to come.
A thousand words,
A thousand words you won't say.

Wild Strawberries

Meet me in a doorway I'll be painting pictures of gates

You were so crazy I was so chaste

I don't know what happened to me I don't know

I don't want to think about it

I don't want to think about it

You rendered me conscious You cut my innocent face

I'm not really bitter Then again I'm not amused

I just want to kick you till you cry I loved I really loved you

Meet me in a doorway I'll be wearing Middleton's lace

It's as sterile as chess, nobody'd guess.

You were touching me between the love of god and sister mercy.."

***

speaking of religious like experiences, I'm suddenly glad they moved me to my own office. my coworkers down the hall are listening to gospel music as they work. i think i prefer the stone silence, and clicking of my keyboard, thank you.

For Andy / Ben, and other movie lovers...
I saw this on someone's site while blog-hopping. Copy the list, add a few more, and bold only the ones you've seen:

3. Pirates of the Caribbean.
4. Battle Royale
5. Queen of the Damned
6. Down with Love
7. Vanilla Sky
8. The Shawshank Redemption
9. Finding Nemo
10. The Prophecy
11. The First Wives Club
12. Notting Hill
13. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
14. A Fish Called Wanda
15. Hackers
16. Gladiator
17. Memento
18. Kill Bill 1 and 2
19. The Crow
20. Dog Soldiers
21. The Last of the Mohicans
22. True Romance
23. Quills
24. American History X
25. Natural Born Killers
26. The Zero Effect
27. The Big Country
28. The Big Sleep
29. The Maltese Falcon
30. Casablanca
31. Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone
32. Raiders of the Lost Ark
33. Schindler's List
34. Cube
35. Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back
36. Willow
37. Logans Run
38. Total Recall
39. Ladyhawke
40. Alien
41. Aliens
42. Hard Boiled
43. The Castle
44. Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers
45. Truly, Madly, Deeply
46. Waterloo
47. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
48. Zulu
49. El Dorado
50. Matrix
51. Personal Services
52. Charlie's Angels
53. The Thomas Crown Affair
54. Moulin Rouge
55. Chicago
56. Ghostbusters
57. Resident Evil
58. Brotherhood of the Wolf
59. House on Haunted Hill
60. Monsters Inc.
61. Donnie Darko
62. Secretary
63. Bowling for Columbine
64. Fight Club
65. Se7en
66. Boondock Saints
67. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
68. The Birdcage
69. Cruel Intentions
70. Gone With the Wind
71. Big Trouble In Little China
72. The Mummy, 1 and 2 and The Scorpion King
73. Sleepy Hollow
74. Planet of the Apes
75. Snatch
76. Shrek 1 and 2
77. The Dark Crystal
78. Lilo and Stitch, Stitch the Movie
79. Ringu and it's American counterpart The Ring.
80. Blair Witch, 1 and 2
81. G.I. Joe The Movie.
82. Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail.
83. Predator
84. Beauty and the Beast
85. Conan the Barbarian
86. Transformers the Movie
87. American Beauty
88. Magnolia
89. Bloodsport
90. Starship Troopers 1 & 2
91. BRAVEHEART
92. Independence Day
93. Superman: The Movie
94. X-Men/X-2
95. Diggstown
96. Blade Runner
97. Brazil
98. Lost in Translation
99. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
100. High Fidelity
101. Happy Accidents
102. 100 Girls
103. Orgasmo
104. The Whole Nine Yards
105. The Whole Ten Yards

i don't like

that feeling
waking up late and missing most of the day
my heart twisting, bending, nearly breaking
not knowing why
restless sleep
knowing the summer is almost over
the way you only care some of the time
.

i do like

my new sneakers
buskers
the smell of cigars and salt on the waterfront
little kiosk shops on the docks
cute waiters
dressing up for the hell of it
being able to trust your plans
.
80's music.
.

there. my like list had to be longer than my don't like list.

Just plain wrong.

No one should have to be at work at 7am on a saturday.
oh, but wait.. here i am.

so- to reiterate for those of you who don't read FP anymore;
[assuming you still read my blog- which, in said case, is most unlikely]

I think we should all go to magic mountain water park for a day of happy fun in the sun. i'm suggesting somewhere around sept 2nd - 5th. pick a day.. any day.. post a message, drop a line. tell me you want to go :)
a few of us will already be in NB, but i'm hoping we can get at least one car coming up from NS with the others.

takers?

It's been a bad day- please don't take a picture

been a long long time since it's happened to me. the heavy numb ache that makes you want to lie in bed for days at time. the feeling of sinking that comes and goes seemingly without cause. a sprawl of contradictions. 2pm. dozing uncomfortably. feeling full and unmistakably hollow. in the sun, sloth; indoors, huddled.
4pm, dragged from taped episodes of sex and the city and forced to the gym, hoping to break the trance.
must've not been looking cause i didn't see it coming.
soon they'll be back anyway..
distraction.

like quitting cold turkey


i still order my eggs 'over easy', listen to Citizen King, smoke when i'm upset, take detours through town to avoid red lights, and think of information in terms of 'trees'.

i can picture kathy and dan perfectly. my mind plays tricks on me- your face has gone away, but not your feel.

i'm not sure how returning to our apartment will be, when 'our' suddenly represents myself and a girl i hardly know.

i don't know where to go from here.

Well.

Too damn honest for my own good.

*contented sigh*

That was a nice weekend.
..just enough partying & friends, just enough relaxing, just enough family outings.

there have been relatively few house parties this year... sat night was good andrew. naked swimming, smoke on the water, and silly smilie half-moon eyes.

On sunday evening mom and i took a drive and she told me about dad's depression this year, and about the fight they had last week.. that was actually a good thing- getting things into the open. Then she, dad, and i drove to hubards for the some music at the shore club. dad was in a good, social mood. we sat on his friend's boat and watched fireworks over the bay.

bah. scratch that. no dancing either.
tristan's not in town until tomorrow.

hmm.. pool at jon's? yes.

So there's no geek beer this week-

but I just got an email from Tristan, and he's coming to Hfx this weekend!
We might go out dancing tonight, if anyone wants to join in..
probably at Vortex.
good times will definately ensue.

give me a call, I think I'm meeting up with him and whoever he brought along from PEI at the Raddison.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon,
and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

hold my hand and pull me along;
why don't i know the way?

i can't i can't i can't i can't

all this time i thought i was scared for you, and i was scared for me.
scared of it, over and over and over and over.

sometimes you really just need a good cry.
for everything thing i have, and everything that might never be.

i can't play your heroine
you can't lean on my frame.
it only holds me up- just barely holds me up.

i can promise you,
but i can't promise me
that i will let you catch me when i fall.

Through 400 Years

Yesterday after work I realized i had entirely forgotten about a big family event to take place later that day..

My uncle Claude and tante Elieen were hosting an Acadian backyard party!

Everyone was to bring their family and some type of Acadian food.
I saw aunts/uncles/cousins/neighbours I don't see very often.. some I hadn't seen in more than 10 years. We caught up on what new children had been born and what everyone was up to, ate Rappi Pie [an extremely acadian dish of gooey potato and chicken, topped with molasses], and toward the end of the celebrations, my cousin Brian the dj blasted 80 pop/rock throughout the neighbourhood, and 70 yr old friend/neighbour Donald could be seen jigging across the rhubarb garden holding a soup pot in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.

Don then went on to explain that he had 'caught' his wife Mary by telling her he wanted to mow her lawn... in the dead of winter. At which point my cousin Paula put her hands over her ears and requested that Brian turn the music up again, lol.

these are the kinds of stories i hear people telling about family gatherings [looks pointedly at the cape brettoners] that just normally do not happen in my family. good times were definately had.

sunburns through the fog...
gotta love it.