does anyone want to go to dinner some evening over the next couple of weeks?

[not this weekend though, cause i'll be in sackville working at ze pub]

i was all set to post something in particular, and now i have no idea what that was. i mean, i knew my memory was slipping, but i thought the short-term organizational side was still ok.
grrrrr.

ha!

my second day on the job, and i get offered a promotion. the globe and mail wants me to stay beyond my initial 2 week position, through at least into july, as a replacement "senior branch coordinator". i'd get a raise [i'm already making 10$ an hour...], and damn would it ever look good on a resume.

idano, i have to find out what exactly this new position would entail. i don't know much of anything about most of the things she listed:
"administration, sales, marketing and promotional support services to a team of distribution agents, consultants, merchandisers, business partners, suppliers and customers."

she [my boss, and mom's best friend] likes jargon. i'll have to talk to her tomorrow about it and get her to dumb it down a bit so i can try to figure out what i'd actually be doing...

the down side is that if i take it, i'll be looking for work again in july/august.. which isn't the most opportune time.
the up side, it that with the money i'll be making it might not matter if i don't work august.

woke up from a restless sleep to drive. rain pelted the window, refrained from landing on me. stopping me from drowning in the cool of the wet. U2's "with or without you" pounded my ears from the radio, forcing out the hidden.
i wanted to drive. fast. let the car scream tight around the bends. to push my foot down and never lift it up again. i was compelled to slow; to let it mellow and seep in; to let it deal so as to heal.
the sun gleamed impossibly bright through the rain. clouds overhead but orange light against the road, inducing a trance of the surreal. i slowed even more and even the radio changed its tune- through the speakers wandered the sounds of "with a little help from my friends."
by the end of it my face and my shirt were wet, but the rain left only dark grey marks on the street to show it's history.

A & B... i just processed the distributor forms for Paperchase's Globe and Mail delivery - and the contact name listed for that location was George :)

*reclines in her desk chair*

i'm currently at work at globe and mail, in ragged lake business park. i even have my own computer and temp office.. i spend all day processing forms for newspaper distributors- checking names and addresses. i have a bright red "OK" stamp for finished forms.i'm glad this is only a temp job.

money makes the world go 'round.

Ben2 and Amy- i'm holding you to your agreement that we should go to montreal or something later this summer. you don't understand.. i am bound and determined to have a vacation with friends.
everyone else should come too- we'll make it as cheap as possible, staying in hostels, etc. how great would that be?!

girl's night

ok, so it's at kurt's? excellent.
i'll be in town with a & b, i think, during the day. but i can give drives to anyone for the evening to and from kurt's. we should get cheesecake somewhere! mmm..

i won't be staying overnight because my new temp job at the globe and mail starts wed at 8am. [10$ an hour for 2 to 3 weeks! yay!] so yea, for the next few weeks i'll be working 8am-4pm.. 5 or 6 days a week. let's do evening things :)

grrr. my family computer's broken. i used it last night and this morning it doesn't turn on. we think it's the power suply. so for now i'm stuck using public access.. i'm at the tantallon library right now.
i need my internet! it's my main form of contact with the world!

so please please call me if some new plans / outings develop.. i'm free over the next few days/evenings [thought i might be getting a short term 10-day job with the globe and mail]. shopping on tuesday still- [day/evening?] followed by girl's night, and then marquee on wednesday.

i may be requiring transportation to some or all of these events..
*hopeful smile*...

call me!

aww!! :(

we might not be able to go now. [serves me right for getting my hopes up over a last minute plan].. jill has to be back for the 5th to prepare for convocation at work, and i havn't found any deals that leave before the 29th [getting us back for the 7th]. unless we were to leave today, and that aint happening.

i don't think we can go after that weekend either, because then jill works full time.

come on, there's got to be someone out who wants to go for a sudden 'what-the-hell' trip?!? i can't go alone.. :(
this makes me sad.

South of the border...

come down south with me- do it, do it, do it!
jill and i are hunting out deals.. hopefully between 800-900$. there are some cheaper ones, but some of them are in really crappy hotels. i have to be back for may 7th to work, so for a 7 day all-inclusive trip [because i can't find any 5 day ones] i'd have to leave april 29th [this thursday] at the latest..

most of the deals go to Veradero, Cuba.
*eee* i can't believe we might be doing this. no one in my family has ever been 'down south' or overseas. i'm going to break the trend. i'm going to read on the beach all day. swim, tan, drink, and smile.

hi.
i'm home :)

i love coming back. no sooner had i stepped out of the car in the sobey's parking lot, on the way home from sackville, then i was attacked with a giant bear hug from sheldon- followed shortly by one from Bergeron. one would have thought i'd sent notice that i was coming or something.

i love seeing what's changed or moved in the house. dad put in new wood flooring in the upstairs hall. mom [in perfect martha stewart etiquette] has little multi-coloured towels and soaps in the bathroom; i finally got to see the new car jamie's been bragging about- it's in perfect condition, not at all a typical 'teenage first car'. he wears a uniform for work now, and i'm always amazed at how tall he is, how dark and smooth his skin is. he's doing so well at his job, and is so enthusiastic. i love seeing him interested in something.

i love seeing my old room, decorated by mom to look like that of a child in the early 1900's or something.. my wooden collector's dollhouse proudly on display; a white wicker rocking chair in the corner; quilts on the bed; antique clothes hangers on the wall for decoration. i love coming in, plunking down my luggage and guitar, and hanging my red leather jacket on the antique hangers.

i love hearing mom and dad go on and on about what birds and small animals are now regular visitors to our feeders outside the kitchen window, like they're an extention of the family.
....
it's done now. it's really over.
i'm beginning new again. i'm back home where it all started. no regrets, but i still can't help mourning the past. the summer is here, and this is where i thrive.

my apartment is finally begining to look like it did the day we got here: empty. there are boxes everywhere; no artwork, posters, or paintings on the walls; dust clutters the corners- exposed from its hiding spots under our stationary furniture. pekoe is having a balst with all these bags and boxes to play in- new terrains to explore. my computer sits, the only thing still plugged in.. waiting for the last possible moment.

sorting, sorting, sorting.. who's is who's; what will stay and what will go? anyone have living room furniture they won't need in september? i need a couch/chairs.. maybe a TV stand.. worry about that later. now it's all about moving, shifting, changing. boxes in, boxes out.

and tonight is all about *drinking*: the pub staff party is here. shelly is my date, and jill and i are working together to ensure that mackinnon gets ridiculously, god-awefully drunk.

*cheers* and goodnight- i'll see you all back at home.

I just found a lost kitten! :(

she's all black with white socks, and must only be a few months old because she's half the size of pekoe. she followed me home on the street, crying the whole way.. tried to come into my apartment then cried outside the door for 20 mins.

i didn't know what to do- she's very healthy, so i'm sure she just escaped from someone's door.. she's probably not usually outside. i didn't take her in- firstly because of pekoe, secondly because i'm sure someone's looking for her, and thirdly because i'm leaving in a day and can't take her with me.

after she hung around meowing outside the door, i put out some food on the step. it's warm enough out that she'll be ok.. if she's still around tomorrow i'll check around for any 'missing' posters at the grocery store [where sackville kids often put up signs for lost pets/items].

she's so sweet and friendly, i feel bad leaving her outside, but hopefully she'll find her way back to where she came from...?
:(

To all those

for those of you requiring more information, since i know i've been being quite vague lately. i find it hard to talk about things right away..

Well, I found myself in a particularly difficult situation this week, as ben and i broke up last friday night. it wasn't really a surprise, since we both knew things had been very wrong for a while. but after 4 years it's still not something i wanted to happen. Kel happened to be here at the time, and provided some much needed relief and support. meanwhile, we're living together until *this* friday, because that's when the moving truck comes. the weekend was hard, and long, as it seemed we couldn't speak or look at each other without ending up in another fit of tears. i spent the next night on Tristan's couch and tried to distract myself as much as possible this week.

it's getting easier, now that the truth has had time to settle in, and we've moved on to dealing with the logistics of getting everything packed for friday.

as to the last post- it's something i take seriously enough that i'd prefer to talk about it in person. ask me some other time.

"Never a frown, with golden brown"

i am disgusted by everyone.
i can't look anywhere without seeing something that makes my stomach churn. i never want to get to where they are. i've never been more proud of myself for staying behind the right lines.. and staying clear away from others.

kel, thanks to you and your poster shopping this weekend i had a dream where i met brad pitt, lol. i've never had a dream with a celebrity in it before.. it was weird. and i'm not even a huge brad pitt fan! he is quite pretty though.

hey what's up with all the blogs being fucked? chris' is like random coding, and a few others have similar problems lately..

i can breath again, most of the time. today is so much better. the week might end sometime after all. i'm packing to come home. sarah wrote me an email when she heard. we don't talk nearly as much as we should, she's not very quick to respond to emails.. sometimes she just doesn't.
went to the gym again today; i can see a difference lately. it's good stress relief, because it creates a new type of stress to focus on. i need new focuses. jill and shelly invited me out tonight, i might go.
someone downstairs must have just finished their last exams.. i hear screams of glee and loud music pumping. it's funny how people wait the whole semester for that last day when they can say they're 'done', then once the rush is over, they don't really know what to do with themselves. what do you do as a student with no school? the guys downstairs are hitch-hiking across Canada during May, before they buckle down into their new jobs.

we should try to coordinate our days off this summer.
does anyone know where they're working this year? keeping the same jobs, or finding new work? though i know i can always crawl back to Timmy's at any point and instantly have a job, i'm going to look around a bit first..

the eternal week

it happened on friday. you were sure you wanted to talk about it. 'we couldn't ignore it'. where were we to go from here? what were we to do? you asked so i told you. i told you it had run it's course. we can't recover from this. it's too long, too much, too many things, and too many times. there has to be a turning point. a point of no return, where you either continue on or turn back. we can't continue on like this..

you would hold it against me, you would resent me. maybe you already do. we deal with things differently. you don't believe that it hurts the same. i havn't cried so much in my entire life.you hate that i can eat, even though i can't sleep and the ache behind my eyes won't go away. i didn't want to have to make the call. i don't want to be here again. you even said 'its not like we havn't been here before.' you probably hold it against me even now, because you never forgot that there could be an 'again'. i can't consol anymore. assure anymore.

everytime i think it's ok, another wave crashes over.

thank you
max, for holding my hands.
for the couch tristan.
kel, for shopping and chocolate and the shoulder kel.

am i really this strong? my cheeks are sore and dry from the salt.

my eyes hurt.
i can't write about this.
it's too much, it's everything- i don't know how to make it heal. i need to catch my breath. you need to eat. we need to laugh. it even hurts to laugh.

please tell me you're all here.
i need to hear your voices.

not now. not like this.
i tried, i really did.

ah, the incredible art of trying to find things to do in sackville.

see, during the school year it really doesn't matter much. everyone has homework, and spends any free time drinking. but now that my work is done, i'm remembering just how small sackville is. today i slept in, went to the gym. got groceries, went second hand clothing shoping at frenchy's and savlation army [and got capris pants with a flourescent tropical pattern], bought ridiculous-shade-of-pink nail polish [presently wearing] at "the trading post" [pawn shop]... and that about sums up all the shoping/wandering i can do.

if this snow leaves us and the sun comes back out to play, i'll have to take a 'gander' at the waterfowl park.. fucking snow. how did this happen? *frowns*

so anyway, the point was that i'm very quickly going to get bored of this 'me'time in the world's smallest town.

i worked on my new pants-to-be all day. all that's left is the waistband and hem :) they look purdy good if i do say so myself. mom will be proud. she'll make a seamstress outta me yet. ..i can't imagine doing that as a career though. heh. [no offense mom].

i think i want something a little more upbeat. i have no idea what field i'll be working in. with a BA in anthro/soc and a minor in history, i could find myself practically anywhere. ideally, i'd like to work somewhere maybe in an office setting. definately with people. somewhere that i wouldn't look out of place in business-casual, or semi-dressy clothes. i couldn't work out of my home. i need a reason to get dressed in the morning- something to get me up and out the door.
a sense of purpose.

i wanna be 'takin care of business' hehehe. i wonder what the future will bring.

As of this moment, I am officially done my third year of university!
I handed in my last exam/essay a day early, and I AM DONE.

I walked home in the rain, dipping my flip-flops into all the puddles.
we booked a mover to take us and all of ben's stuff home on sunday the 25th- the soonest we could get after ben's last exam.
Now for a full week and a half of "me-time."


The summer has begun.

wanna hear something really really sad?

i'm looking forward to going home so i'll have access to cable TV again. i miss my designer shows like 'trading spaces', 'what not to wear', or 'extreme makeover'... i want to watch 'will and grace' and other thought-free sitcoms.
as much as i love having things to do- i also like at least the option of being a bit of a vegetable once in a while.
Hockey and news, being the only shows i recieve on the two fuzzy chanels in sackville, becomes fairly depressing after a while.

amy's blog got me thinking on this..

i sometimes think back, and try to decide when 'it' happened: when did i stop thinking like a normal heterosexual girl, and start believing there really were other options? was it a choice, or was i just always that way? I usually settle on the answer- grade 8- because it was then that i understood the difference between gay, straight, and just plain in-between. until then i'd told myself time and time again, 'no no, you're not gay. you may only be in grade 8 but you can certainly say you like boys well enough..' ok. so where did that leave me? if you ask, i'll probably say i'm bisexual, because it's a more 'clear' term, but in truth i prefer queer, if i have to go by any form of label at all.

i didn't know a single non-heterosexual person until at least high school. in junior high sean and a few others were always pushed around and singled out for being "gay", despite their constant refusals of the allegations. because it was like that- it was like being charged as a criminal. "do you admit it?! you Are, aren't you."

I have memories from much much earlier on, that i don't know whether to count as queer thoughts, or just chalk them up to normal childhood experiences. i believe that if we were raised believing there was nothing more "natural" about heterosexuality, and that it really is a freedom of choice, then there would be at least *a little* less teenage depression, suicide, what have you. ...call it a natural form of birth control.

In grade 11 my sociology class had a gay man visit as a guest speaker. the loud jock-type guys made jokes, and chuckled a lot.. telling the speaker their surprise that he didn't 'look' gay. i had a million questions to ask, but my mouth was jammed shut.

if it was a free choice- a conscious decision- then i also have to start wondering, what led me to that choice? i don't rule it out because i honestly don't remember. if i chose, what was my reasoning: to be different- for attention? i couldn't even admit it to myself until grade 9 or 10, and didn't tell anyone else until almost graduation.. or was it after.. and until very lately i've largely just allowed others to make their own assumptions about me. but their guesses don't define me.
the 'when', 'why', and 'how' are gone. all that's left is what 'is'. who i am.

it's my four year anniversary with ben today.
he bought me flowers on our way back from grocery shopping.
we made supper as usual, and otherwise ignored it.

Hoppy Easter!!

No eggs for me this year- Pekoe would steal them all. plus it's not as fun to hide them for yourself.
yay! it's my last week doing school work for a whole 4 months!! woot! :oP
get ready wednesday, i'm almost there.

purple haze

i'm in a fog today. i sit and stare.
i'm in detox, trying to push water and simple foods into my system so it can get itself back to normal. why do i feel that i've been played as the fool? easy conversation over rye and ginger and roaming through empty sackville streets in a manner that transcended the usual boss-employee pattern. i'm not sure there was a hidden point, but i'm not convinced there wasn't. the effects came on slow but caught up quickly, as dancing in the studio became hanging over the porcelain at 4:30am.

today everything is bright and shiny.
light dazzles through my half-opened eyes. the sky is frightfully blue and the dead grass coming up from melted snow is startlingly green, while everything else remains in varying states of slate grey.

I was supposed to be in moncton by now- i'm sorry fucked it up. i needed the girl talk as much as you did. only a few more weeks, and we'll do it right. in the meantime i'll write.

I am half done my first take-home exam.
It's beautiful out.
I feel like throwing this lap top out the window so I can just go out and play. this happens every year- i work fairly consistently well all semester, and then once classes end, and I get to exams I don't have any energy left. I stop caring and just barely convince myself not to simply bail now.

I have to get this done.
scooter wants me to come out for a drink tonight, and i'm going to moncton to see kel and kurt tomorrow night. i need moncton. i crave it. i need space and time to just open up and swallow me. i don't particularly know what's going on. change always happens in waves.. things will be fine for a long time, and then little by little, change will start to trickle in like water leaking through the foundation. when is it too late to repair?

I love old houses. The ones with magnificant mouldings, grand windows and doors. I love the flaws and cracks that give them character. I keep imagining the house that hold my second floor apartment, and what it must have been like once upon a time. our hallway has a half-arch crossing the middle of the cieling. it's only a half because the other half is in the neighbour's hall. once it was one great hall, twice the width, with beautiful woodwork.

the living room in the apartment downstairs is dirty. it's full of ripped furniture, textbooks, a foosball table, and other things that 3 guys need in their living room. Underneath it i see the potential. the neglected fireplace. the built in cherrywood desk. the led-paned windows. the scratched wooden floors and double doors opening up into the hall.

It almost seems a sin not to at least attempt to uphold its glory. how many years has this house stood the test of time? why did no one try to maintain that? why did they cover it up with thick paint and shoddy carpentry?
i'm a fixer-upper. but sometimes i suppose maybe it's just too much work.

i can't relax. i'm jumpy, fidgety, irritated.
i've got to get up, get out, get going.
the day won't start, but it's more than half over.
i don't want to make this hard for us, but i can't make it perfection. it keeps creeping back in. it's there but its not. i'm sure that it's time, but it can't happen yet. breathing and watiting, and feeling so ill. just have to make it through. summer holds potential, holds freedom, holds bliss. follow your bliss. joseph campbell always said 'follow your bliss'. my bliss is leading me, and i'm ambling after it. different paths, and i'm so sorry.

Reality Check

woa, so I just had another "it's a small world after all" experience.
Smen, if you're still reading, you'll appreciate this one.

I've been talking to this girl called Val on gaycanada.com for a few months- just chatting because i'm always up for making new friends. She's from halifax, and we were discussing different places we like to go out, and things we like to do. I mention that my friends and I love going to the Marquee on retro nights. so she writes back with this:

"heres an idea, who are your friends? who goes to retro night with you i mean? because i met a suzan i think one night, who was there with some people... ben manuel was one of them... did i meet you? wouldnt that be funny!
-val"

so I'm not sure when she met us, and she might have met either me, or susan.. I'm not sure.
I don't recall talking to someone named Val, but you never know. There were a few occasions where there were a lot of us and some 'frinds of friends', so I don't remember for sure.

ben, do you remember?

anyway, i think it's awesome. we're going to try to meet up again when i get home in a few weeks.

i have successfully done zero work today.
well, i did write a paragraph before giving in and drinking Pernod instead.
i can do that take-home exam tomorrow.

on another note- Pekoe doesn't love me anymore. i think it's because i pick her up try to get her to sit on my lap all the time. cats don't want to be 'put' anywhere. but if my lap is empty and the room is less warm than body temperature, she'll come right over. y'know- as long as you don't look too happy about it. they have to keep their dignity you know. like if they do something stupid, they stand up straight right away, and wander off like "what are you looking at? i mean to do that."

mm, tonight we're having a chocolate fondue for desert. bananna, strawberries, kiwi, and apple for dipping :)

i wrote to you today, i know we don't talk much. but you're way over there, and i'm way over here. is it my place? if not, then whose place is it? i'm stuck. i don't know what else to do. i can't just watch, but i won't look the other way. too many have looked the other way. i was going to call but i was scared. does it seem silly that i'm scared? would you be happy if i had called? would you be upset..?
did i mention i love you? we all do.

My little Haggadah

Tonight I took part in a Seder- the Jewish meal celebrating passover.
This was the fourth annual Seder hosted by my downstairs neighbour. He [and his girlfriend, a friend of mine] invite as many people as possible and have a big feast with all the Seder foods.

Seder stands for "order"- in that there is a specific order to the way the foods are eaten, each one representing a different stage in the freedom of the Hebrews. The whole thing was done quite comfortably and informally, with laughing and jest mixed with real purpose and procession. Ari [our host] handed out his childhood colouring books on the Seder for us to follow along with, sing songs, and learn the history behind it all. When appropriate he read/sang the Hebrew scripts from the Haggadah.

The meal consisted of hard boiled eggs and parsley- representing spring and rebirth; Haroseth- a mix of walnuts, apples, and wine; horseraddish representing the bitterness endured by the slaves; chicken [in place of a shank bone which could not be attained] representative of sacrifice; and matzoh bread [and matzoh ball soup]- unleavened like that made by the hebrews and carried on their backs- baked by the sun, when they crossed the desert in escape.

At the end of the ceremony, Ari posed a few theoretical questions which had the whole group off on a philosophical discussion on the nature of freedom for the rest of the wine-filled evening.

yay for last-minute weird but very cool events.

I hate you in my dreams.

You keep coming back, and I try to keep my sanity by staying far away. You've done enough. It's over now, and it's time to move along.

I cried in my sleep last night- I didn't know what to do. I hedged, avoided, fidgeted, and tried to make it through. I want to come out on top, and it seems you push me down. Strong and oblivious- you're victorious once again.

If only I were a lucid dreamer; to pick and choose at will. I'd paint you out and try to pretend the picture always was so clear.

spring may not yet have begun, but winter is over
and once again i have made it through.

This is actually a response to ben2's blog and comments conversation.. but i couldn't post it as feedback because there's a 400 character limit, and then it was being a bitch and wouldn't let me post anything at all..
and, due to it's political nature, i suppose it's also a post for Chris. :)

anyway,

News and New Media

While ceasing to watch news at all can work just as well, i find it much more satisfying to support independent media rather than mass-media. they don't necessarily, or at least automatically, support the status quo. many news items which are covered in independent news are ignored completely by CNN and it's counterparts because the large corporations and governments do not have a vested interest in promoting a particular issue.

In 1995 an intense government sponsored and promoted civil war between the Hutu and Tutsi Aboriginal populations of Rwanda prompted the slaughter of a huge percent of the country. Rwanda's only resource is their people. there are no oil fields, no nuclear weapons. nothing worth fighting for, according to the United States, who vetoed United Nations action in Rwanda.

Case in point: while all this was going on, the biggest news item on Canadian and American news was the Tonya Harding incident.

Carolyn [the roommate to be] came over again today. she and her friend wanted to think about what furniture she needed. i'm so excited, she seems like so much fun. she wants to meet all the neighbours, and i wanted to do the same, but it never really happened this year. she wants to paint her room, and maybe the outside hallway- just because :)

she and her friend had just been to frenchy's to buy ridiculous 80's dresses for their semi-formal. it's great- i love finding people who are just as silly as us.

we're going to rearrange furniture and have dinner parties :)
yay!

Projects i'm looking forward to having time for:

-making pants
-painting the 3 blank canvases i have waiting
-cleaning the hell outta my apartment before we go
-packing
-relaxing
-i'm sure there's other stuff..

the weekend is here again already.
the weekend- harbourer of loud music, crowded rooms, and drunken stupors.
tonight is wine night. nice quiet dinner and sauvignon blanc.
i think tomorrow may be tequilla night. i've never really done 'just' tequilla. i'm curious how it'll turn out.
i'm not an alcoholic- i'm an escapist. there's a difference.
maybe no pub visits this weekend though.. lots of work; everyone's working.
we're on the home stretch.
and after the 15th, i'm home free to waste time and get a move on all of my many projects.
did i mention them already?