amy's blog got me thinking on this..
i sometimes think back, and try to decide when 'it' happened: when did i stop thinking like a normal heterosexual girl, and start believing there really were other options? was it a choice, or was i just always that way? I usually settle on the answer- grade 8- because it was then that i understood the difference between gay, straight, and just plain in-between. until then i'd told myself time and time again, 'no no, you're not gay. you may only be in grade 8 but you can certainly say you like boys well enough..' ok. so where did that leave me? if you ask, i'll probably say i'm bisexual, because it's a more 'clear' term, but in truth i prefer queer, if i have to go by any form of label at all.
i didn't know a single non-heterosexual person until at least high school. in junior high sean and a few others were always pushed around and singled out for being "gay", despite their constant refusals of the allegations. because it was like that- it was like being charged as a criminal. "do you admit it?! you Are, aren't you."
I have memories from much much earlier on, that i don't know whether to count as queer thoughts, or just chalk them up to normal childhood experiences. i believe that if we were raised believing there was nothing more "natural" about heterosexuality, and that it really is a freedom of choice, then there would be at least *a little* less teenage depression, suicide, what have you. ...call it a natural form of birth control.
In grade 11 my sociology class had a gay man visit as a guest speaker. the loud jock-type guys made jokes, and chuckled a lot.. telling the speaker their surprise that he didn't 'look' gay. i had a million questions to ask, but my mouth was jammed shut.
if it was a free choice- a conscious decision- then i also have to start wondering, what led me to that choice? i don't rule it out because i honestly don't remember. if i chose, what was my reasoning: to be different- for attention? i couldn't even admit it to myself until grade 9 or 10, and didn't tell anyone else until almost graduation.. or was it after.. and until very lately i've largely just allowed others to make their own assumptions about me. but their guesses don't define me.
the 'when', 'why', and 'how' are gone. all that's left is what 'is'. who i am.
i sometimes think back, and try to decide when 'it' happened: when did i stop thinking like a normal heterosexual girl, and start believing there really were other options? was it a choice, or was i just always that way? I usually settle on the answer- grade 8- because it was then that i understood the difference between gay, straight, and just plain in-between. until then i'd told myself time and time again, 'no no, you're not gay. you may only be in grade 8 but you can certainly say you like boys well enough..' ok. so where did that leave me? if you ask, i'll probably say i'm bisexual, because it's a more 'clear' term, but in truth i prefer queer, if i have to go by any form of label at all.
i didn't know a single non-heterosexual person until at least high school. in junior high sean and a few others were always pushed around and singled out for being "gay", despite their constant refusals of the allegations. because it was like that- it was like being charged as a criminal. "do you admit it?! you Are, aren't you."
I have memories from much much earlier on, that i don't know whether to count as queer thoughts, or just chalk them up to normal childhood experiences. i believe that if we were raised believing there was nothing more "natural" about heterosexuality, and that it really is a freedom of choice, then there would be at least *a little* less teenage depression, suicide, what have you. ...call it a natural form of birth control.
In grade 11 my sociology class had a gay man visit as a guest speaker. the loud jock-type guys made jokes, and chuckled a lot.. telling the speaker their surprise that he didn't 'look' gay. i had a million questions to ask, but my mouth was jammed shut.
if it was a free choice- a conscious decision- then i also have to start wondering, what led me to that choice? i don't rule it out because i honestly don't remember. if i chose, what was my reasoning: to be different- for attention? i couldn't even admit it to myself until grade 9 or 10, and didn't tell anyone else until almost graduation.. or was it after.. and until very lately i've largely just allowed others to make their own assumptions about me. but their guesses don't define me.
the 'when', 'why', and 'how' are gone. all that's left is what 'is'. who i am.
posted by Suzanne Zappia at 7:13 PM
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