i was talking to jon today, and as he told me stories about checking his ex-boss around in hockey i started remembering how much i miss the competition of wrestling tournaments.

perfect moments:
-when you first see your competitor to be, and size her up to decide what kind of a threat she'll be.
-watching their earlier matches to catch any key moves or weak spots.
-stepping onto the mat with a strong competitor, shaking hands, and looking eye to eye at someone towards whom you feel something between hate and admiration.
-in a match you try to tune out all voices and sounds except that of your coach.
-knowing that nothing is certain, and if you loose [when you think you probably could have won] you have no one to try to pawn blame onto.

hero, heroine, or damsel in distress?

i depend highly on my body to support me.
i do not like needing others to carry things for me; i despise the way my body becomes weak when i am sick; i love the feeling of my own strength when i lift something others struggle with; i feel like i am melting and degenerating by the moment when i am forced into inactivity for any length of time.

i sometimes wish i were not small and female, so that if occasion ever arose for a heroic act, i could meet the challenge. that may sound appauling to many feminists, but i am not naive enough to believe that there aren't limits to what the female body can do.. albeit there are many types of heroic acts that do not involve physical strength.

b, missa, and i just saw 'the day after tomorrow' in theaters, so i suppose the dramatic/apocalyptic/'triumph of man story' just has me wishing that something epic should be about to begin.

"I will touch you, bitch!"

-Curtis, to ben

rescue

in a world where people are willing to spend 7 hours in an apartment preparing for a surprise birthday party for their best friend, i really didn't have any energy to 'rally the troops' for my own festivities.

for once in my life getting dressed up, going out, drinking,
dancing, and crashing somewhere random, did not appeal to me at all this weekend. i turned 21, and instead of wanting to party like the new millenium, i didn't even care. something was off. i couldn't [can't] put my finger on it- something drags on me.

having not seen any of my girlfriends in weeks, i felt like dismissing the day altogether.

but the guys held up their side :) thanks to the harassing calls of ben1, andy, and curtis, we ended up at rogues roost for a few drinks [that managed to last until 2am] and then back to curtis' place for movies.
i'll have to see 'airplacne' sometimes when i'm not fallin asleep :) it looked good though.

anyway, thanks guys.

in reverse

on the trip home i once again ran into jon the emo kid, on the commuter train from ottawa to montreal. we then met stephanie the exceptionally talkative and innocent [often naive] 1st year carleton student. the three of us decided to share the ride back to NS.

On tuesdays and Thursdays, it is not the regular via rail trains that run, but the new-fangle cars they recieved from overseas [france's rejects..] "the renaissance" train. if you ask me, we should be selling trains to france and not the other way around, because this was no improvement. the cars were much narrower, set up more like an airplan inside, with very little leg room or storage, a dining car with no chef [so all the meals also resemble pre-prepared mucho-expensive airline food], and no bubble car!

so rather than sit compressed into our individual seats next to my mom and nan- jon, stephanie and i went to the lounge to hang out.

there we met 3 other travelling students who invited us into their card game; Gilda [pronounced jilda] and Joe, from montreal, on their way to halifax on a month-long cross-canada tour. and Miranda, a halifax resident on her way home from montreal [who i later found out was 'partenered' and gave me her number so we can all hit up the vortex sometime].

jon imformed them all it was my birthday, so at midnight they sang me a tune and joe passed over his quart of irish cream for a few swings. we played 'asshole', 'truth or truth' [which started out as truth or dare, but there was only so much we could do on the train] and drank illegally in the lounge car until about 5am, when we all sort of unanimously decided to try for a few hours of sleep before our stops.

altogether a much more social voyage than most of my family vacations end up being. good times were definately had.

The week [in short form]

sarah and jesse met us at the station with a rented PT cruiser [horrible visibility in that thing.. which also has a turning radius of about 8 lanes of traffic].

we went to see her new apartment- much bigger and brighter than her last attic-hole that costed more than twice what my own apartment does. and played with her kitty "Pounce"- 'champaigne' coloured with tabby stripes.

we spent friday roaming the outdoor street markets downtown, since it was estimated to be the only day without rain. [as it turned out, we had one day of sun, several of cloud, and only one of rain].
on saturday my uncle Rory arrived with his new girlfriend janice. she was sweet and bubbly in head to toe 80's and 90's attire.

moments before they arrived, i managed to snap my fingernail off while leaning over to adjust some equipment in the hotel gym, leaving me to ice it the whole evening *frown* :(

the next few days consisted of shopping [IKEA!], touring the town, dinners out, and the dependable evening routine of wine.

...

The outward journey

As we neared Sackville on the train, i looked forward to looking down on the buildings from the glass observation car.
when i moved here 3 years ago, i didn't anticipate i would come to love it.. NB's red earth, flat mud, and wind swept grasses for miles.
our train came lumbering through the place where we last walked.

after the train security tracked me down for having crossed the invisible line into first class to visit mom and nan [i was only travelling coach], i decided maybe i'd better stick to my side of the train.

there i met jon; the emo kid suffering from sleep, deprived of his smoke breaks. highly talkative, he was a relief from the creepy old man who mumbles and has a black eye.

25 hours later, i arrived in ottawa.

Que je veux penser des autres.

mm, such a good trip-
will post tomorrow sometime with stories.
right now- need sleep.

oh, and anyone want to do something saturday? some belated birthday celebrations maybe? i get off work at 2pm sat, and don't work sunday.

call me, or post.

yea i know- i've been slackin with the posts lately.
but you'll have to put up with it for another week- because i'm leaving tomorrow! yay.
i have to pack tonight, and buy some lunch snacks for the train.

no having fun while i'm gone!

..ok, fine. you can have fun. just make sure i get filled in later.

PS: i'm comin home on my birthday- i expect the presents to be waiting at my door.
ok, i'm joking about that too.

walking down Quinpool, and i ran into erin legere for the 3rd time in 2 days. she must live near there.

got myself a new swimsuit, and then as i was heading towards my car, i found myself walking slightly behind a mother pulling her two kids in a little red wagon.

one of the kids was asking her mother if they could go to a hotel
"like the hotel where daddy's staying?" the young mom asked. "lets go to de otel!" the kid screamed happily. "he'll be back soon. in a few weeks", mom assured. "how far is it?" said the kid [i'm not sure if it was a boy or a girl].
"oh it's far far away- in fairyland."

and i smiled.
cause i know when i have kids i'm going to tell them about faeries, and fairylands. i'm gonna have them so convinced, their teachers will think they're delusional. :)

This weekend was great- just what i needed: hassel-free binge drinking with good friends in a comfy pub.
Thanks for the walk home guys- i'm sure the arm support came in handy, hehe.

i don't believe that i 'feel' with the same intensity that most people do.

it seems that all around me, people are immersed in feeling. they are overjoyed; they are crushed; they are in love; they are heartbroken.
i think.
i process.
and when i do feel, i seem to feel less.
there are advantages and disadvantages..

stress is minimal.
concern is analytical.
but butterflies are fleeting, passing things- and even the sad emotions, that for most are uncontrolable, must be pressed to emerge.

thinking of all the plans we had made- of the life we had set out for ourselves, i am sad in a nostalgic sort of way. yet so much is changing and shifting around me, that i have a hard time concentrating on feeling it.

"I never thought this could happen
But somehow the feeling's gone
You got sick of the patterns
And I got lost in this song
Hey hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet
I fell through this crack
And I kinda lost my head
I stand transfixed
Before this street light
Watching the [rain] fall
on this cold [may] night."

So you think you're a Romeo
playing a part in a picture-show
Take the long way home
Take the long way home

Cos you're the joke of the neighborhood
Why should you care if you're feeling good
Take the long way home
Take the long way home
**

i took the long road home again-
drove past your house just to look and see.

A Typical Day in the Life of a Bored but Well-Paid Globe Employee:

the women that i work with are all like 13 year old girls.

yesterday, the lot of us were giggling, and staring out the window at our boss and her new hippy/outdoorsy boyfriend in the parking lot. today they were highly enthusiastic about a new hole-punch.

when the boss isn't in, we own the office. we yell at each other down the hall instead of paging over the phone. today there are only 3 of us here; two of which have no permanent work load except making or taking phone calls.. we spend a lot of time gabbing.

i relate to tanya, the front desk secretary the most, since she is the youngest.. only 26 or 27- though she has a 12 year old daughter at home.

i occasionally catch myself picking up the bad grammar of the other staff.. who definately have a very maritime edge to them, despite the corporate office presentation.

i take walks outside with the other women when they have smoke breaks, just so i can see the light of day and stretch my legs. i typically spend my hour-long lunch break in the boardroom watching TLC, or the ellen degeneres show if tanya's on lunch too.. [i hate that show].

today at lunch i'm heading into bayers lake in search of nachos and avacado to make guacamole for tonight.

yay, marquee tonight.
i'm at work right now, "protecting" my coworkers from the constant ringing of phones. but between calls they have nothing for me to do. so i'm gonna go ahead and assume i'm free to piddle away my time like this.

sooo, yea. i'm bored.

spent most of my weekend's tips yesterday on a gym membership to Nubody's- even after only 2 weeks without going, i felt weaker.

this girl at the pub [customer, and mta allumni] complimented my biceps at work this weekend, lol. a pretty random compliment, but i thought it was cool. watch out i'll be butch before you know it! *smirk* ..not so much.

ack! oh god. i just hung up on someone by accident. i meant to hit "hold" and my finger slipped and ended the call. it was my coworker's daughter- she was locked out of the house. shit!
.....

turns out it's ok, because cindy [my coworker] is leaving early to see her daughter anyway.
she said not to worry- on Her first day, she hung up on the boss' wife :P

i have the car for wed [tomorrow] night and friday- if anyone needs drives.

i'll probably be leaving early both nights though, since i work in the mornings.

3 days, 400$ and 32 hours later... i'm home!
finally got a minute to relax and make a post.

despite all the work and long hours, i had a blast.
didn't see the light of day except the early morning sun, as we left the pub around 6 am.. hehe. -hey, the staff have to party some time!

its kinda weird when 8pm starts feeling like the morning.

i'm at work, but no one has anything for me to do..

andrewand landry are picking me up at 3 from work today- then we're off to sackville for the weekend. 5 shifts in 3 days- i'm going to collapse at the end of it all. but hopefully my wallet should be a bit heavier.

i'm trying to key myself up in preparation for the numbers of stupid drunk people [students and parents alike] i'll have to deal with.

i want to crawl under my desk and sleep so that i actually have a chance at staying awake until close at the pub tonight..

i bought my train tickets yesterday.

to ottawa on may 20th with mom and nan.
visit with sarah and jesse for a full week, then back on the 26th- arriving in halifax on the 27th: my 21st birthday! :)

aww crap.
agelfire hijacked all my pictures, so i had to take them down. where the hell can i host them without having them revoked? :(

the pain-in-the-ass-temp-project is finally done.
today i hole-punched and processed into numerical order 10 full inches worth of paper. with a hole-punch that can only do 3 papers at a time and still requires a vice-like grip.

my work sits on my desk in the corner of my view; stacked in the 4 large-sized binders, and staring at me ominously, as if it knows that somehow it's not over yet.

when i hear it now, i change the lyrics in my head from "can't" to "can".

blogger is with-holding my posts. maybe it wants ransom?

test?

why can't i get to my blog..? blogger lets me post, but insists this blog doesn't actually exist..
i'm not really here!!
i'm just a figment of your imagination!!

hmm.. it appears they're all down.
oh well, at least i'm takin y'all down with me.
*waits for it to come back*

..
bored.
*leaves*

the globe
they've moved me to the far office at work, shared with one other woman. it's nice- my own desk and computer, adn a cushy soft mouse pad. oooo. :) except now i can't sneak into icq anymore, because i can be observed, heh. my short term project should be finished tomorrow [a week and a half ahead of time], so after that i should be moving on to answering calls, dispatching paper notices to deliverers, and processing production and error reports.

who wants to go to value village tomorrow, or to supper? or both..?

meh, i'll probably call anyway. good ol' reliable phones.

every day my drive home is the same.

muddled by medling musical melodies
embodying ever enough emotion
yours or mine, and sometimes ours.

affection; affliction. elation; aggitation.

i think perhaps you always were too much for me
so strong, sorrowful song
sweetly spinning substantial sounds...
more mood than i could muster to meet.

cold sweat and dreams

upset, it was plain to see,
but i somehow didn't notice til he turned.

ragged vicious slash marks across the shoulders;
lines of dimentia set into the flesh
torn open and exposed to the world.
dirt and dust thrown in the wounds;
sooty black residue.

my lungs lept for my throat as if to escape believing.
seeing, knowing, feeling.
i hunched- afraid to stand.
somewhere along the way his expression had fallen
from sadness into a disjointed foulness.
hard-set jaw and blank unseeing eyes.

pacing, he turned again, to face the wall behind me-
looking past, not even through me.
beads of metal set into his chest,
like armour of a man needing protection
-from without, or within.

i shuddered and convulsed and my eyes
refused to remain shut,
as to open was the only way not to see.

starry eyed surprise,
i'm seeing stars.