i was at home in tantallon.

a woman dressed in elaborate flowing black clothing pulled up in a mini-van. she wanted to sell me something. no, trade me something: a song for a song. i knew she was dangerous. i could feel it. but after some debating, i took her song and handed her one of my own. she left, cackling in an evil sort of way. i sat down at the piano and played the new notes i was given.

at that moment the front door opened and mom walked in, wearily. she had been out to get groceries, but she was feeling faint and came home. i sat her down on the livingroom couch. her eyes wouldn't stay open. i began to panick and tried to make her drink water. i instructed jamie, who was in the kitchen, to get some food or something. he wouldn't listen. it was a futile effort, as i watched my mother slouch down farther and farther, and within minutes she was dead. rigor seemed to set in instantly.

i walked into the kitchen where jamie was, still cooking, and still ignoring me. i told him in a small and quiet voice that mom had just died. he looked at me, finally. but his eyes were glazed over, and i knew he had been gotten too. he turned away from me and stabbed himsefl with the kitchen knife. once, then twice. slouched against the cupboards and the floor.

i screamed, and crying i fled the house- running down my street. i was naked now, except for a red satin sheet- wrapped around me. i ambled in the middle of the street alternately yelling and whispering "help me".
finally, a young couple who could not ignore me anymore came over. i sat in the street, and told them, "my mom just died". i lay down on the pavement, and the young woman picked me up. carried me somewhere. but when they arrived, they found that i was already dead, and had probably been so for some time. she picked up my journal, which i had carried with me. i had made several entries since my visitation from the woman in black clothing. they were all short and crazed, cryptic poems.
a song for a song.


this is what i dreamed last night- in clear and perfect detail.

show's over.

ok, so the blog fight was a joke [evil ploy?] devised on girls' night. i think the scandalous commenting and name-calling was the funniest part. kathryn gets the award for the most posts, and most explicit vocabulary: "self-rightous" "pack of two-faced bitches" = awesome. lol.
kaitlin gets the manic award for following an angry blog with one about strawberries and whipped cream.
my specific appologies to kel for the mini heart-attack we may have caused *oops*.
love you all- more whip is needed asap! but girls' nights aren't the same without you missa- i'm gonna steal you away soon whether you like it or not.
kait- make sure to post the rita macneil pictures.. definately the most unlikely statue for an entryway ever.

bagging it up.

and here i thought we were past that.
past the hiding, past the dredging. past the things that truly will never change.
how did we get here? to where you hold things over us like a badge of misdemeanor. the faces change but the games stay the same. and you think you're above it all? 'hipocracy' follows your name like a dog with no where to go.
it was supposed to be fun. just shooting the shit. the girls back together. me, i'm going back to my town. where everybody knows your name- but no one will use it against you.

i heard a clear noise that sounded like a shovel scraping across rough ground.
it was close to the window, where i sit typing.
i turned on the porch lights in the back, but there was nothing.
no more zombie movies after midnight.
but sarah polley just so rocks. or maybe it's just that she's hot.
i really did hear the noise though.

i was in the neighbourhood...

we've got you boxed in.
kathryn and amy's new locations have kept me circling around your block lately. i'd like to bump into you. it's a kind of morbid curiosity, mostly. i want to know how you are, what you're doing, make sure you're ok. i look for my baby, but she's no where to be found. and she's not my baby, but i keep forgetting. and things are so different now, but so much is the same. amazing what a year can do. i didn't even notice april 12th slip by. i dreamed we tried again, and it was all so wrong.
i'm going back to sackville on thursday. back to my town, where mornings leave me feeling full, and smiling. where mornings last all afternoon.

[where the hell is my banner?]

bored

lets do stuff. lots of stuffs. i'm in tantallon.. but i can drive other places. who wants to have a picnic?
or.. go shopping? or dancing? watch movies? call, post, ya know the drill.

we've spent all month waiting for today.

now you want to sleep? now you're not in the mood? now you're feeling sorry for yourself. i'm going out. i'll go without you. the pub will be nuts. at least there i can pretend i'm not drinking alone.

i am..

Officially EDUMACATED.

and done.

I'm at my last pub staff party ever, and instead of drinking and dancing i'm in the computer room with wet cheeks and a glass of jack & coke because i can't look at her. shelley's leaving. i won't have another chance to hang out with her. she'll be tree planting all summer. if i see her in august at the earliest it'll be incredible luck. i don't know if she knows how important she's been to me. i have a lot of aquaintances and not a lot of close friends here. i hate this stage of perpetual limbo, but i can't bring myself to step outside of it.

certified cat snatcher

i abducted the neighbour's cat. she followed me home from down the street. her little bell jingling all the way. i may or may not have encouraged her. she came inside, purred, jumped all over the furniture, and completely ignored the birds. can i keep her? *expectant smile*
oh fine. there, she's gone. or is at least purring from outside the door now. are you happy? *sigh* i want my kitty cat back.


Pekoe: 3.5 months

six days

and two exams to go. i am horrible at studying. i don't really care. it's beautiful outside. the wind here always blows.
i worked a solo shift at the pub last night. the line: "i don't think i've ever seen you here before. are you new? you're absolutely beautiful."
i thanked him, advised him that i've worked here for 2.5 years- every saturday, frequent fridays and occasional wednesdays. the best part is that he pulled the exact same line last week.

i've been in the process

of quitting cracking my knuckles again. last month went really well, i've done less well this week for some reason.
exam tonight at 7pm, then running over to the pub to start work. charles is covering the first hour of my shift.
after studying until 11:30 or so last night, i went with caro and andre to the 2$ midnight movie at the vogue theatre: "million dollar baby" was playing. the film was great. i wanted to jump into a wrestling match again. [though i suppose i always want to be wrestling again. maybe i'll actually take up boxing this summer like andy and i were going to do last year.]

lenny's starting his exam crunch too- the restaurant puts on exam pizza specials for students, meaning that over the next two weeks he's going to be working 24/7. we've mutually decided not to talk about the summer yet. which is nice, because that means i'm not the only one avoiding the conversation.

milkshakes at mel's,
coffee on the big purple couch- that's bagtown's touch.
she puts you to sleep,
i rested for four years there but i never missed much.
i woke when the town told me time to move on, but i was torn.
get out she said- i'll give you no more shelter from the storm.

someone tried to vote me off ot the island,
but i made other plans.
they stuck me on a stage where patrons
would impatiently wait until i brought them a plate.
queen street was nice and the harbour lights were swell
you'll not find me there, did you try the hotel?
I want to drive to the marshes.
I want to lie on the beach at night.
Yea though i walk through the valley, I may leave today.

-Mike Allison: Part of all I have Met

tomorrow is the end. my very last class at MTA. maybe i'll skip it- as per tradition.. remember JohnA? remember the movie? i have that moment on tape. Bracey's voice cackling in the background.
i started a journal today. a written one. i think i still like typing better.
carolyn and i have decided we're going to paint the kitchen after exams. it'll be bright and fresh and new for her in the fall. i'm going home on the 20th, for a few days. then i'm coming back. to relax. i'm going to clean, and pack, and organize, and sew, and sip coffee. i'm going to sleep in and go for late night walks. i'm going to enjoy sackville for what it is instead of running past it on my way to class. i'm a small town girl, but next i need to live the big city life- for a little while.