Like a Rollercoaster

carolyn and i had a small fight this evening. appearently while i had been feeling that i was the one doing all the chores, caro had been feeling the same way on her end. and somehow it was really desperately important to her that we do the dishes at 8pm tonight- when i had a 12 page essay due tomorrow, and she spent the whole day watching sex & the city dvd's.
we may just be roommates, but i fill a lot of roles: mom, girlfriend, maid, personal secretary, and friend. obviously sometimes i'm going to miss a few things.
she's the only person in the entire world that i have fights with. even living together for 9 months, ben i never really had fights like these. i didn't know my voice could raise. i never had urges to slam doors.
but then there are highs too. like this week; giggling and smiling and gossiping. like the whole first month- drinking and learning about each other's lives. like 'spa' weekend in halifax.

i appologised, because it's easier than staying mad. and because she's probably at least half right.

when i look around the room i think, how many women will also have that in their lives?

Good Friday? Great Friday.

i was disappointed last night. i wasn't going out for drinks- i was going out for you. had my coat and shoes on when you called. but it's ok, i got to relax and watch some tv instead. and today was wonderful. brunch, driving around sackville, that beautiful house [i hope you do win the lottery, as planned], hearing you play, laying around singing, and then, when i had settled back into my essay writing, a surprise special delivery dinner [you know there is only one of me, right? i couldn't have eaten all that in a million years]. ;)

wouldn't it be easier, if i were numb to it all;
sit back and toke the day in, never take the fall.
it should be simpler than this, the utopia has sunk.
wish i were high, when all i am is drunk.

*Cringes*

i spent way too much money this weekend. it's all jill's fault. she came to visit from maine and then of course we had to go shopping in moncton. [at least when i shop by myself i stick to salvation army.] oh well, it was fun. and i have adorable shoes and underwear to show for it. i'm embracing my ultra-girliness this year. it comes in phases.
so i'm broke.
thinking i might pick up an extra few shifts at the pub this week or during exams, since my schedule is so spread out.
-i'm also debating staying in sackville until convocation in may, if there is work to be had here. it'd only be a couple of extra weeks, and really.. what's a few weeks when i'm leaving sackville for good. [maybe i am just procrastinating with the whole 'leaving' thing..]

My Week: A brief review

sunday: get absolutely shmammered and in a drunken haze tell my boyfriend to sleep on the couch.
monday: spent recouperating from sunday, later pass in two essays.
tuesday: write a test [1 question, and i had no idea what it meant], skip the rest of the day's classes, make a skirt, go swimming, then to the sauna.
Wednesday: classes resume as usual, get asked to contribute my clothing designs and sewing to a fashion show on campus next month.
Tonight: grad banquet.
Tomorrow: St. Paddy's day. no green beer for me, thankyouverymuch.

Oh what a night- late december back in '63..

er- i mean, what day is it?
ugh. pub staff party last night, and i gave 'er. once again tequilla proved itself to be not my friend. but until that point it was a helluva great night. the debauchery was rampant, i just hope there aren't pictures to prove it. [i have to remember to drop by the pub tomorrow for my missing shirt, shoes, and wallet.] lenny started off the festivities as the shirtless bartender, ordering everyone to do body shots. the new staff held their own; looks like it's gonna be a good crew next year. now that i'm finally awake and coherent, it's 10pm, and i have a test in 12 hours that i havn't started studying for.

it still comes back to me.
often.

when i don't expect it. it slides in- a sick shudder, simultaneously residing in my spine and somewhere deep inside my gut. disgust; thick and churning. matched with an anxiety that makes me feel like a small child. i try to force it away, back down from wherever it came, but usually once it's there it just has to fade on it's own. slowly and angrily all over again. i hope you still feel it too. i hope you wake up every morning and remember how you changed. how you ruined everything, and made grim whispers my reality.

hehe.

isn't liminality a wonderful thing?

*disclaimer: this is a blog for personal venting. nothing more. please do not misinterpret as a directed attack*

so i'm starting to get impatient. i've been in limbo for weeks.
first there was the audition, then some waiting. then the letter, with 'conditional' acceptance, then some waiting, then the recording last month, aaand more waiting...
the Conduct Becoming cd is scheduled to be released march 31st- 3 weeks from tomorrow. there is a live show at the pub featuring performances by the accepted musicians. lenny wants to play base for my song, since he missed out on the opportunity during the recording of the actual track. to do so he'll have to first learn the song, then get time off work for it.
but, before he goes through the hassel, it'd be really great to actually know whether or not i'm even on the darn thing. i would assume, that with the release in 3 weeks, they must have a pretty decent idea of which artists they're putting on it. [since production of the cd itself requires having the tracks organized, burned, named, and group info put onto the cd jacket.. all of which can't be done in a day.]
*shrugs* but what do i know, maybe informing the musicians isn't first priority. wouldn't be the first time producers gave their artists the back seat in the music industry.

Gimp

i was supposed to work tonight, and accidentally got myself the night off.. though not with the best approach.
as soon as i opened the pub door my ankle rolled to the side and i fell down 4 steps, landing on the pub floor. quite an entrance- luckily only our security guy charles was there to see. he got me some ice for my sprained ankle, and after a half hour of limping around trying to make drinks, scooter called around and found a replacement for the night.
carolyn and i watched an episode of 'Nip/Tuck' (our newest dvd obsession) while i iced it and then she and our neighbour pat convinced me to grab a cab with them to Striker's for a drink.
luckily i don't have to go anywhwere tomorrow- it's back to the essays.

a post on superficial things

my shoes arrived yesterday :) [before the break, i had discovered the word of online shoe shopping while procrastinating from my homework.] they're awesome and pink and were super-cheap.
it was only 0 degrees outside today [as opposed to -30], so i wore my bright vintage 60's spring coat that i bought at Junk N' Foilbles in january. i'm trying to channel spring with my wardrobe.. maybe nature will get tricked into believing me. ...then again maybe she'll be vindictive and send me another snow storm. :o/

i'm going to lunch this afternoon with lenny and his dad, who's in town visiting. i love his dad- dominico! he's so ultra-italian. he always talks about food and gambling, hehehe.