everyone wants to be wanted.

my life is a constant turning wheel-
one spin after another, letting others down.
with each rotation, it folds me under,
takes me through so that i can feel the weight.

tentative plan for tonight/tomorrow..

-get off work at 4

-head in to see spiderman at parklane around 7-ish

-hang out at jon's for some predrinking

-head to the marquee

-find a ride home.. or somewhere to crash

-picnic canada day.. meeting around 1 ?


i have no idea how i'm getting anywhere, i just know i'm not driving.

ok
i think that what i'm dealing with is not a lack of social life, or a dependence on other people.. not exactly anyway.

i think that it's really just a new abundance of free time.
i'm not used to having time by myself. it's usually work, school, boyfriend, friends, family, etc, etc- constantly hopping from one activity to another.

with one giant chunk taken out of that, i suddenly *do* have time. all free time doesn't immediately go into the relationship-maintenence fund.. and i'm not used to it. the time gap feels like it should be filled.

just thinking through stuff i guess, and where better to do so?

it's now saturday. soon to be a saturday night very much like last weekend... no one is doing anything, and i'll end up sitting home with a joint and watching crappy saturday night tv. except my parents are home, and that means even the joint will be a lost cause since i'd have to go for a walk, and it's raining.

i can almost feel myself growing bitter, except i'm tired in the 'worn out and overworked' kind of way, so i'm too numb to really do anything about it.

i could go out- but it'd mean going out alone, which is probably worse than watching tv alone. and it gets old pretty fast.

when did i get so dependent?

i'm off work in 40 mins.

whatch'yall up to this afternoon / tonight?

highlights from yesterday
my appologies to those who weren't there.. i think these are all going to be inside jokes..

-Andrew mac almost dies.
[well i guess that one isn't a highlight]

-business card:
"curtis jennex
Ninja"

-Ninja-Lawyers
-Leaps of faith
-Falling from 2 ft off the ground..
-Yay for the top!
-Spiderman
-Curtis plays 'Buffy' with his eyes closed..

last call for rock climbing tomorrow evening-
no takers?

I called "Beyond Gravitiy" [the place we're going in bayers lake - next to kokomos], and it only costs $15.66 for a day pass, which includes the harness and all instructions for a 'newbie'.

anyway,
if so gimme a call, or if you so choose, you can meet up with us first at Boston Pizza at 5pm.

remind me not to go downtown today..

sppearently there are 5'000 Aliant workers picketing downtown today.. barrington and spring garden are closed off.

crazy fuckers.
they've been on strike forever though, i guess they could use some more publicity at this point..

the first message came at 4:39pm.

i had to wait a few mins before answering.
nothing and everything to say,
appearently pekoe's a killer: 3 mice, 1 bird.
appologies that aren't needed.
remarks that result in painful laughs- the kind that turn on you halfway through, morphing from a chuckle to a grimace and possibly tears.

every day? me too. i think it's to be expected..
well, nice talking to you.

went to the beach by myself for a bit today. was enjoying scoping out a few nicely built young men strutting up and down the sand, coming closer, until i realized. my face crumpled, my mind stated a silent 'ugh'.

chris potty, micheal johnson, and a nameless other i'm sure we went to high school with.

the assholes i hated. oh hi. long time. yes. i think you used to beat up my brother. nice day. bye.

the running blog

i never knew what you meant when you said it helped you calm down- not worry. but now i cave to it. sweet grass that both slows time and speeds it along.

wwf, america's most wanted, and a documentary on boy bands apprear to top the charts on a saturday tv night. i was sinking in boredom, yet eventually i am enthralled. twenty best teen idols. marky mark, avril levigne, new kids on the block, backstreet boys, and justin timberlake. simultaneously, two robin williams movies. quick instant-message conversations, hurried, as others head out the door.

damn it.

it's saturday night and no one is doing -anything-
or, more probably, you're all doing something just not with me.

i called everyone i had a current phone number for.
why is no one home?

Biking with mom

take the old road as far as the 'rails to trails' in hubley. two by two and conversation flows effortlessly. we are friends and no longer mere relations. through the tunnel, escape the mosquitos, and watch beavers in the pond. cool air, sunset sky, and muscles churning.
back on the old road, chatter is cut off by single file travel.

i love driving lately.
i can't be in the car enough. warm air. windows down. music loud. just me. fingers tapping. mouth the words. sing the tune. be the tones.
it's the only time i listen to music really. and this summer i really have almost free reign over the car, since jamie now has his own. run errands on my way home from work. zip down to the beach just for a look.

holy crap, it's thursday already.
i'm so sleeeeepy. i always get that way after lunch at work. it's so warm in here i have to keep pinching myself and drinking cold water so as not to drift off...

yesterday i completed one of the idems on my summer 'to do' list:
made my padded head-board out of ceiling tiles :) it worked out wonderfully.

on another note- anyone want to hang out tonight?

highlights from the weekend:

friday:
-hi ho hi ho, it's off to wolfville we go.
-jon orders a 'donaire poutine' at joe's for supper. i think it's a crime against nature.
-at sarah's the drinking has already started. and the guitar's out in no time.
-andy gets giddy from the amaretto flask
-tove/laurel/ben1 steal my sleeping bag, matress, and pillow
-ben and laurel snore as a non-harmonic duet
-i fall asleep on the floor in the bright room and get woken up by a giggling andy on top of me
-andy/blades go for a sunrise walk
-wake up, have donuts..mmmm

saturday:
-andrew mac and murphy play highway tag on the way home
-blades sleeps in the back seat
-i do a few chores at home for mom
-buy new shoes [yellow!]
-head into town to meet tristan and his PEI boys at the raddison
-after pizza and pre-drinking we head to Vortex
-after much dancing [and poppers for the boys] we move on to reflections
-the dancing gets skankier and all the boys shirts come off
-the walls are sweating, it seems
-i sit down for a breather and 40 yr old man tries to kiss me
-time to dance again
-boys go back to the hotel, i head to max's place for an extra bed to crash on

sunday:
-wake up and wait for the boys to get their acts together [leave it to the gay men to be later than the girls]
-head back to vortex for brunch [really really good brunch too!]
-after the goodbyes, i drive back to the bay
-get home at 2:30 and see a message they people are at the beach
-call up kaitlin, make plans for the beach
-spend the late-afternoon at the beach with kait/missa watching the guys play frisbee/football
-"psst, missa: check out the hot dark boy" "what? a hot dog boy?"
-back to kaitlin's for pizza and girl talk with missa, a & b.
-then to jon's for video games and pool
-goodbye wishes to bee
-keep curt company for the drive to town and back to drop off josh/ben
-collapse in my own bed once again :)

Appearently i've fallen victim to mistaking age for maturity and responsibility, and i'm learning my lesson the hard way.

in march, i signed out 4 library books for john mackenzie, a man in my anthropology class, because we were doing a group project together, and he didn't have his card with him.

this guy is a 40 year old perpetual student, whom i've known for a couple of years now, so i didn't expect it would be a problem..

at the end of the semester i noticed i had 5 or 6 dollars in late fees for those books, so i wrote john an email and spoke to him in class- reminding him to return those books for me. he said, oh yea- sorry, sure sure, i'll return them tomorrow.

i didn't think much of it again until this week, when i recieved a bill for $409.50 in library late fees and book replacement charges!!

all i had was his name and email, but he hasn't answered any email, so i called the school trying to get any contact info they had. all i got was an address where he supposedly lived in 2002. so i'm gonna try writing to him there.. the phone number is disconnected though.

so suffice it to say- ok ok, i've learned my lesson. NO One is trust worthy with library books.

it was so unbelievably hot yesterday.
like we jumped from winter to summer in a day.

after having read in the backyard grass for a while after work, dad came home annoyed that the marina hadn't worked on his boat as planned. i finished reading but was not about to sit in the dark kitchen with my irritated father.

left the house, joint in hand, with rose-coloured glasses and headed for the woods. my stroll turned to a slow rhythmic step, following deer tracks and rows of ants in the path.
the songs were perfect.

after supper kaitlin and i drove to peggy's cove and sat talking on the rocks, laughing about how we were 'so' going to run out of gas on the way home. [we didn't].

sappy family stuff

throughout my life, the older i get, i see more and more of my roots showing themselves. pieces of my parents, my siblings, and other relatives coming through, in all our finesse and faults.

my voice is that of my mother and sister in one. i am constantly taken for my mom on the phone- even by my own friends. when i laugh the echo is hers; slightly too loud and sharp at times. the accent i use by default when speaking french comes from years of listening to her jabber on with my aunts, uncles and grandfather. [her mother never spoke a word of french, despite having raised 4 bilingual children]

i share the angled bridge of my nose with sarah. it seems to cross between us carrying art and music on its shoulders- neither of which seem to have come from our parents.

my mother's inward curved shoulders replicate themselves in me. my short stature, fingers, ankles, and yellow-toned skin come from my father's side, where the deep-skinned acadian blood is thick and true to its place at the coast.

nanny[my grandmother]'s anxiety about life the universe and everything, resides only half-heartedly in mom and seems to have depleated almost entirely by the third generation.

writing and a love for words i share with uncle rory alone. after a new start in his 50's, he has finished his first novel, and is currently working on several others.

i don't know if crafts, sewing, and other inventing-type projects would have come naturally or merely stem from a childhood of artsy projects under mom's mild direction, and construction in dad's workshop. there is such an allure to *making* something. fixing, adding, combining, concocting.

i don't know what i really share with jamie anymore. or maybe the right word is 'yet'.

saw cats at neptune last night.
lots of dancing/singing. very little storyline..

one of the cats was like a combination between a cat, Dr.FrankNFurter [rocky horror], and a kiss character.

highly amusing.

[is it wrong to be attracted to a member of another species?..]
ah, ok yes.

so weird to go to a 'regular' bar.
somewhere that isn't the [mta]pub, and isn't the marquee..
places where "ouch baby, oo ouch" constitutes as a pickup line.
getting hit on by random people, lol. the use the sneak approach,.. eugh

many guys seem to think if they hang out behind you long enough on the dance floor [whether you see them or not] they take it as an ok signal to 'move in'..
kait and curtis were good dancing defense.


though i think ben got the worst of it- kissed at the urinals, What?! oh my.

To a nomad- everywhere has potential to be home

Cheers to a wonderful friend, for refusing to fall in love,
..And opting instead to dive right in.

"You remind me of the babe.
What Babe?
The Babe with the power.
What power?
The power of Voodoo.
Who do?
You do."

serving paul martin

so this morning is my first saturday shift in the office all by me-self. [my boss and coworkers all gave me about 3 phone numbers each in case i needed anything]
on a normal saturday, my tasks would be pretty simple- print some files, send some emails, enter in the paper production times, report complaints or missed paper deliveries to the carrier agents, update hotel draw numbers, etc. etc.

but today however.. being my first day on alone, of course murphy's law decides to kick in.

-first one of the ottawa carriers locked his keys inside his car and took 45 mins to get them out, meaning his route was going to be about an hour late.. so i have to wake up my dear hungover coworker tanya to find out how to put out an alert message on his route.

-then the delta hotel in newfoundland calls in a panick because they were supposed to have gotten 300 papers and non of them arrived.. but of course that's not the biggest problem- Prime Minister Paul Martin happens to be staying at the Nfld delta today, and called front desk demanding his paper!

so i hunt through my phone directory to figure out which of our 20 or so agents is in charge of nfld hotel deliveries, and try calling him [wake up his wife, but he's not in..]

then my boss calls on the other line just to check in and i have to explain to her what's happened. we make a conference call to another agent in nfld and between the transfer i overhear her screaming "The PM didn't get his bloody paper!!"

we get the home delivery agent to track down an extra paper to run over to him immediately.. and eventually we learn that the flight with the papers was delayed, and mr. martin would have gotten his paper, just slightly later. i suppose had we known he was in the area, we'd have made extra precautions. but, as dave said in his great newfie accent, "that's just the way the mop flops".

meanwhile i'm left trying to catch my breath again.

for b

dad's watching some discovery channel show about a sailboat called the "royal clipper"- and the captain's name was Jurgen Muller

stalking just seems to come naturally..

i got off work early today, and decided to go for a drive.
after wandering somewhat aimlessly, i ended up in Glen Arbour scoping out the new big pretty houses.. when- oh wait, that's matt skinner's house! i'd only been there once, i'm surprised i recognized it so easily.
oh, and there's his mom and sister in the yard..

i think kaitlin having said she ran into him a while back was still floating around in my head.

so yea- i'm officially a natural born stalker, and i need help.

what it means, to me

ok. so there's no way to avoid saying that the past 4 years are still strongly attatched to so many parts of my life.
every story i try to tell,
every past experience i recall,
everything links back to the same source.

these will remain as good memories of my past,
while my future stretches open before me.

red.
corner of my eye,
flashy sports car.

i don't want to look.

*snickers*
I just saw Jonothan Burrows on Canadian Idol.
he sang 'can you feel the love tonight' from The Lion King, and they said he was the most tone-deaf singer they'd seen yet.

who's coming to harry potter with me tomorrow night?
free ticket, i'm driving, show starts at 7.

I'm watching the movie "prom queen" on CTV.
i heard on the radio that their sets were vandalized repeatedly during production.