Why does this matter so fucking much?
i want to be cool and casual, and all i get is nerves. bundles of edgy boiling nerves. why do i care so much? why does it feel like years of playing and writing, growing and improving all landed on those ten minutes? four years worth of auditions- at the very least, three of them failures. from my first semester on campus when andrew introduced me to Conduct Becoming, i wanted to be on it so bad. like if there was one thing i accomplished at mta, i wanted that to be it. and the judges. i've played i front of every one of them a million times before. they all know my songs. my voice. maybe that's the problem- i'm not new and brilliant. if they wanted me, they could've had me at the start. now i'm just beating an old drum.
there are more people auditioning now than any other year. factor in that, plus the people that just automatically make it on without auditioning at all, and there's just no shot in hell. it's like that milk ad- i don't want to be the best musician, just a pretty good one.
there are so many amazing musicians on campus. they're wonderful. i love listening to them.
so why do i feel like shit just because there are 16 tracks worth of people better than me?
i want to be cool and casual, and all i get is nerves. bundles of edgy boiling nerves. why do i care so much? why does it feel like years of playing and writing, growing and improving all landed on those ten minutes? four years worth of auditions- at the very least, three of them failures. from my first semester on campus when andrew introduced me to Conduct Becoming, i wanted to be on it so bad. like if there was one thing i accomplished at mta, i wanted that to be it. and the judges. i've played i front of every one of them a million times before. they all know my songs. my voice. maybe that's the problem- i'm not new and brilliant. if they wanted me, they could've had me at the start. now i'm just beating an old drum.
there are more people auditioning now than any other year. factor in that, plus the people that just automatically make it on without auditioning at all, and there's just no shot in hell. it's like that milk ad- i don't want to be the best musician, just a pretty good one.
there are so many amazing musicians on campus. they're wonderful. i love listening to them.
so why do i feel like shit just because there are 16 tracks worth of people better than me?
posted by Suzanne Zappia at 7:00 PM
9 Comments:
ah, my heart goes out to you right now. nothing is more frustrating about being a musician than being beaten in the face by the fact that there are other musicians who are far more skilled than you are, and there always will be. i deal with it everyday. i will never play like Stevie Ray Vaughn or even Ani Difranco, but i play because i love it and need it...not because i'm any good.
when the overwhelming talent of others gets you down...just look at the wider musical world around you. The White Stripes are nothing short of a musical phenomenon...but Meg's not such a virtuosic drummer. Ditto with Ringo Starr. Nirvana's music changed the face of pop culture with simple open chords and minimal-range vocals. Think of the early punk movement in Britain...man...part of the whole point was to only be a mediocre player. it was all in the guts and the emotion of the notes, not the virtuosity.
just because someone can play better than you can, doesn't make them more enjoyable to listen to. Your songs are simple and heartfelt. moving and raw. you write with a sensitivity that frightens me to laughter and to tears. Carlos Santana can play a solo...but it's worth shit compared to what your music makes me feel.
hope i cheered you up. *hugs*
being a musician is like a full time job that you never really get a break from, cause while other students have a clear end to when the homework is done, musicians could always practice more. but it's sooooo worth it in the end. i know exactly where you're coming from, just in the "classical" world as opposed to the "popular." i know i'm not a virtuoso, but playing music is just what i do... i can't explain it any other way. i don't know if i could have possibly majored in anything else. i feel like i have to try and make a go of it, and if i fail at least i'll never have to wonder what could have happened. some of the best advice i've gotten since being a music student is that musicianship is not about the destination, it's a journey, and it's a reward in itself. keep playing, because you're bringing joy to so many, hopefully including yourself. :)
i think you've gotta remember too, that you're for sure, not the only one going through this. hate to say it, but from the sounds of it, seems like politics are playing a bit part in the choosing. maybe to you it symbolizes kind of social acceptance, and each time you are denied participation, it's more than a comment on your musical abilities, it's a comment on who you are.
i could be completely out in left field with this one, but i thought i'd throw it out there so i'd have an excuse to tell you how much *i* love you :)
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I had written a big response to some of the criticism just leveled at Conduct Becoming by Kelly. I think I can instead summarize it in a quick statement. Anyone who thinks that it's easy to choose an album worth of songs from a group which is now over 30 tracks (and still growing daily) is wrong.
Anyone who thinks that politics influences my decisions is wrong. If I allowed politics to influence my decisions to you think that one of my best friends would have missed out on the opportunity for the past four years?
We create the best product we can every year. We sell as many copies as we can to raise as much money as we can. This isn't an exercise in politics or egos.
Andrew, this may be hard for you to believe, but my comment was not a personal attack at you.
Kelly, this may be hard for your you to believe but an attack on Conduct Becoming is a personal attack on me. Conduct Becoming isn't a franchise it's a small group of people.
stop arguing on my blog, s'il vous plait.
i was tired and bitchy. kel didn't know what CB was or how you were involved in it. andrew didn't realize kel didn't know. end of story.
Well it's mostly already been said. I know you rock, Suz, cause I've been learning bit parts to play on top of that Summertime song you played at New Years. That song rocked. And so do you.
My family's known for a long time that you have to love your instrument to be really good at it. There are technical musicians who are faster and cleaner that you or I'll ever be. But who wants to listen to them?
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